I'd Rather Walk

I don't own a car. I never have. I might someday but I don't see it happening any time soon. I hold a resentment for people in cars. Not because I don't have one but because most people are assholes. Therefore most people in cars are assholes. You wrap an asshole in a hurling hunk of metal and well... you see where I'm going with this. It's pretty much the same place I'm going whenever I talk about anything that involves people. That place being -> I don't like people.

I walk. I walk to work. I walk to the store. I walk to your momma's house and violate her. Yeah that's right, that was me. What the fuck you gonna do about it? I walk because I have to. But just because I walk out of necessity doesn't mean that I can't enjoy it. I like getting the exorcise and I like having that time everyday to myself. It's calming. I get to breathe in the air, feel the wind, see the birds flying around, and watch the sunrise or set depending on my schedule. You might not guess this about me but I actually love these little moments. I try my best to find beauty in the world. Nobody seems to understand this. Most everyone I know feels sorry for me because I have to walk. If they had to walk everyday they'd fucking kill themselves, so they say. It's too painful for their fat, lazy, spoiled brains to even think about. But what really baffles them is when they offer me a ride and I turn them down. "No thanks, I'd rather walk." I've had people get really offended even mad at me for turning down a ride. "Sorry to inconvenience you by not making you drive me around." Since walking is apparently more excruciatingly painful than getting your face cheese grated off I must despise them if I'd rather endure this horror than spend time with their lonely, sad selves. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it sucks. When I'm really tired or I have a gimp leg (like I do right now), or when it's really hot or raining. But I still usually prefer it. What can I say I'm a freak I guess. You want to know something though? If I can be totally honest for a second, I just don't want to have talk to you. But the thing that I love best of all and even look forward to is that I get quality time with my headphones. I listen to music all day at home but the headphones are the key here. I've had countless emotionally overwhelming moments all alone on these walks. Moments of real connection and self discovery and inspiration. Music is beyond important to me. I know that sounds pretentious and annoying. Believe me, I hate people that say asinine things like "I love music." There are so many people that see listening to music as some sort of competition. I don't pretend to know a lot about music. And I'm aware that my repertoire is greatly lacking but I don't give a shit about all that. I just know that there are some songs by some artists that make me feel alive. I get to drown out the world while I'm most at one with it.

What was my original point? ....Oh yeah, HATE.

People who yell things from their cars need to die.

Condense, Simplify

I've been sitting on this poem forever. I've been trying to make it into a song but I haven't been able to yet. I can't come up with a melody and I don't know how I want to sing it or if I want to add a chorus and I have no idea what to do on the guitar or if I want it to be soft or heavy or... whatever. I'm at a loss with it. I still plan to song-a-size it but I just had this urge to do something with it right now. This was all I could come up with. Putting it up on my stupid word blog and tweeting about it.

I just had to look up the correct way to "ing" the word "put" it's not puting it's putting but that makes me think of golf so I want to put puting. I'll stop now, I swear.


Condense, Simplify 
--------------------------

Poetic thoughts, Stylized nonsense
So distraught and on the defense
Corruption, cover-ups, conspiracy
As a form of group therapy
Line drawn around my comfort zone
I'm okay as long as my cover's not blown
You may talk like a boy but you fuck like a girl
Well let's give it a go and see what unfurls

Condense, Simplify

Speak up, Talk down
Quality time is best spent alone
My most irrational fear
Is that other people can hear my thoughts
Not because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me
But because it's a total invasion of privacy
Sensory deprivation, Enhanced imagination
Scared of losing vision not sight
Let's go back in time
And read sheet music by candle light

Condense, Simplify

Men who dine on currency
Women who submit to ideology
Isolate, Concentrate, Penetrate
Congregate, Participate, Disintegrate
Act nonchalant cause you're in the know
A crooked smile and an angelic glow
Misleading demeanor, I can take rejection
You look better with your clothes on
Filled with self doubt
I'm trying to phase myself out

Condense, Simplify

Sex change, Birth control
Dos and don'ts, Gender roles
Whores and cunts, Tramps and sluts
Genetic make up, Time to wake up
Unapologetically charismatic
Self destructively apathetic
80% water, 70% tears
Abrasive and classless
She carries her worth between her legs.

I'm The Kind Of Girl Who...

I'm the kind of girl who...
      has never been to a restaurant or movie or concert alone.
      has a collection of ex best friends.
      loves clothes but doesn't give a shit about designers.
      used to pride herself in the fact that she didn't wear
                makeup but now can't leave the house without
                at least eyeliner on.
      uses a power drill on a daily basis.
      spends days making paintings that no one sees.
      kills herself writing songs no one has heard.
      wants so desperately to be a singer but is just too scared.
      cuts all of her hair off on a whim and doesn't look back.
      has never been to a salon.
      doesn't believe in a god.
      has no feelings of spirituality but has had what one might
                call religious experiences all alone with a pair
                of headphones.
      spent so much of her youth in a church.
      is a hopeless believer in love.
      has only ever kissed, fucked, and loved one person.
      never wants to be a wife.
      has had her heart broken countless times
                but not for reasons you'd think.
      didn't picture her life like this, but then again,
                didn't picture it any other way either.
      doesn't have enough confidence to be as pretentious as
                she could be.
      rarely ever really looks at other people.
      has no problem telling anyone anything.
      can count the people she trusts on one finger.
      will never eat meat again.
      is unapologetic for being who she is.
      doesn't have much interest in socializing.
      has a thing for men in make up.
      falls in love with songs and albums and bands.
      has always been poor.
      puts more value in moments than money.
      has never been to the doctor and is not proud of this fact.
      is seriously lacking in ambition.
      is so horribly naive in so many ways.
      still calls herself a girl even though she is a
                 25 year old woman.
      sometimes seriously wishes she was a gay boy.
      (whose) bad mood can be turned around by a beautiful song.
      (whose) good day can be ruined by one brief encounter
                 with another person.
      probably wouldn't even care if most of the people she knew
                died but cries her eyes out over a video of a girl she's
                never met dying in the streets of Iran.
      doesn't have a drivers license and doesn't particularly care
                if she ever gets one.
      never wants to give birth.
      gets hopeless crushes on rockstars.
      is a total sucker for androgynous boys with guitars.
      lets small things drive her crazy and lets big things go
                without a second thought.
      doesn't go out to bars because she doesn't see drinking as
                doing something.
      really enjoys a good wine.
      has cried real tears uncontrollably while listening to
                Nine Inch Nails and is totally ashamed to admit it.
      (whose) favorite sound is currently Brian Molko's voice.
      hates telephones.
      is dying to hear new music from Silverchair.
      gets chills every time she hears the opening chords to
                All Apologies. (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
      walks...a lot.
      makes shorts out of her old pants.
      puts white paint on black shirts.
      absolutely needs a pair of gold cowboy boots.
      pierces her own ears with a sewing needle.
      is dead set on getting a giant back tattoo for her birthday
                but has no idea of what yet.
      as a child was deathly afraid of needles.
      is not so much determined more attempting to make this
                the best year of her life so far.
      would rather struggle on her own than rely on another person.
      is worried she might be having a midlife crisis.
      is the queen of procrastination
      is the god of hyperbole
      couldn't live without nylons, fishnets, thigh-highs,
                and fancy socks.
      can't keep a clean house. She's tried honest.
                She's just not cut out for it.
      can't throw anything away
      takes pictures of everything.
      is now late for work because she lost track of time
                while typing this up. Shit.
      can never tell if someone is flirting with her.
      (whose) guilty pleasure is brainless action movies
                with 'splosions.
      misses the ocean.
      some days just really can't take it anymore.
      despises other people's advice.
      rarely ever loses her temper.
      recently discovered the deliciousness that is falafel.
      daydreams constantly.
      should be doing her laundry but instead is doing this.
      always has chipped nail polish on.
      is prone to mood swings.
      is okay. No really I'm fine, don't worry.
      gets obsessed.
      adores her dog.
      just doesn't understand why so many things are the way
                they are.
      watches way too many movies.
      is terrible at feigning interest.
      doesn't think anyone is interested in what she has to say
                or offer.
      thinks she's less interesting than people think she is
                when in actuality is probably more.
      doesn't know how to ask for help.
      writes letters but never mails them.
      feels out of place.
      doesn't mean to but often seems to give off
                the wrong impression.
      loves coffee.
      writes stupid poems about herself while at work to
                take her mind off her shitty job and then goes home
                and puts them on the internet.
      hates having to explain herself.

It's The Little Things That Make Me Hate Everything

I don't really want to use this blog to bitch about acquaintances of mine that annoy me but I'm going to anyway.

 I don't like anyone I work with. That doesn't mean that I hate them, it simply means that I don't want to have to interact with them. I don't want to talk to them, or be friends with them, or get to know them, or have to give a shit about anything going on in their personal lives. I think I get along with everybody well enough, I mean nobody wishes death upon me, as far I know anyway. I try my best to be friendly and shit, and I certainly don't wish them any harm, but deep down I just don't care.

I'd call myself mostly indifferent with the exception of one particular woman. Said woman is carving a gaping hole in my my sanity and soul with every unbearable word that falls out of her god forsaken mouth. Now you might think that sounds a little harsh and I guarantee you it is. I meant it to be. That's what I was going for when I wrote it. You must understand that there is no big obvious feature of her's that stands out that I can directly and aggressively hate. No, instead this woman is the embodiment of everything that irritates me. She is the most annoying, exhausting human being I have ever met. Now, I'm not going to go too far into the reasons because it's all little things and there are about 4 billion of them. Simply thinking about her wears me out. But I will tell you this. She doesn't know how to shut the fuck up. She is constantly talking. I don't know how she manages to breath with the way that those useless words tumble out of her horrible mouth. The best part of this being that about 70% of this nonstop chatter is made up of complaints. Complaints about everything. Everything is the hardest thing in the world for her to endure.  She makes me want to throw up all over the place. Not because she makes me sick but because I want to force her to clean it up. Which would make her sick and really I just want to cause her pain because she's never really experienced it. Oh, she'd tell you ALL about how she has, but no, no she hasn't. Although cleaning up puke is more icky than painful to your average person she's such a whiny little drama queen that it would be excruciating for her. It would be like someone digging out her insides with a rusty spoon.

What am I getting at? Oh yeah.

This post is actually not about all that. I just needed to get that out of my system. (Thank you for letting me share.) What I would like to tell you about is actually one of the smallest, most insignificant things that this woman does that, at most, simply causes me a few seconds of slight confusion.

I work in custom framing which, at times, has the potential to be a pretty okay job. Unfortunately this woman, whose mere existence completely and utterly offends mine, also works in custom framing. Worse yet, at the same place, and sometimes, with total disregard for my mental health, at the same time. The thing she does that I originally intended to write a few simple sentences about (I was even contemplating just updating it on twitter) is.... Whenever she writes a customer's name and/or order number she writes the letters S and M in front.

S/M Johnson, Bill 22786

Be it on the orders that are waiting to be completed, the frames she checks in, the hundreds of notes she leaves that are as pointless and rambling as herself...everything. This doesn't really bother me. It sometimes makes me think for a few second that the customer's name starts with an "S" but that's it. It doesn't make my job any harder and it doesn't cause any problems so the only reason I care is "Why?" I asked her about it once and she said it stands for "BLAH BLAH who fucking cares!?" I'm paraphrasing here because I don't remember what she said because she is painful to listen to. What I managed to retain was that it is apparently something they did at one of her old jobs when they checked in whatever the hell it was that they were checking in.

"Well it's not something that we do here. We have our own system. So, you don't need to do it because it doesn't mean anything to anybody else."

She still does it. Every time she write a customer's name. S/M without fail. I find this rather bizarre. Why does she so adamantly continue to do something so pointless? It's not really because it's a habit that she can't break as she claims. She does it with obvious intent. The best I can figure is that she does it because she thinks it makes her interesting. It's something quirky to set herself apart. This thought makes me sad.

An Epic Laundry Tale

My apartment complex is huge. It takes up an entire street. Fortunately for me it has 3 laundry rooms spaced appropriately. Each apartment has washer/dryer hook ups but I posses neither, so these laundry rooms are very important in helping me not have dirty, smelly clothes. But they recently replaced all the super convenient, perfectly functional coin operated machines with ones that you need a preloaded card to use. Then just to upset me they put the magical-laundry-card-money-loading-machine in the laundry room at the other end of the complex/street. I have to use a debt or credit card to put money onto my new shiny laundry card and I can only do it in $10 increments. So fuck that! The apartment gods however, graciously left two washer and two dryers of the coin operated sort for us rebels who refuse to conform to their new evil ways. I found out there are quite a few people who have joined me in the laundry resistance. So those two washer/dryers are always in use. Last week one of the washers broke and has yet to be fixed, I found out today, leaving only one. Whenever I do my laundry I try to be gracious and take out my clothes as soon as they're done so that one of my comrades my then take part.

"Where is this going?" You ask.
"Why are you writing about laundry?" You ask.
Well you're the one reading it, so who's stupid now? If you had exercised a little patience we would be there already.

Ahem. Today I went to go wash my white work shirts only to find both machines ocupado. So I returned to my apartment in defeat but determind to return. I let a couple hours pass before my return. Upon said return what should I encounter? The same motherfucking clothes in the machines! That cunt faced cunt! So I humbly retreated once again, let a couple more hours pass before my next attempt. This time I had made preperations. So with a look of determination in my eye, armed with a bag of dirty clothes, dergant, some quarters and a note I made my way to the lauindry room. To my pleasnat surprise I found one of the machines to be vacant. I put in my 4 quarters and selected the "whites" cycle.

FUCK! this is the broken machine. I swear I saw clothes in here earlier. Twice! It was whites along with one yellow shirt and they were wet. Why did the laundry gods favor them and not me?
I proceeded to hit the coin return button repeatedly with no results. This is where my before mentioned note comes into play. It simply explained that I needed to use the machine because I didn't have any money on my card and that her neglected clothes were in the dryer. I'm paraphrasing, I probably didn't call her clothes "neglected" even though they really and truly are. I opened the sole remaining brother of the poor fallen coin operated washing machine, same clothes still inside, most of which was women's underwear and proceeded to fearlessly transfer the wretched clothes to the nearest dryer. Triumphant, I put my white shirts in and reached for my quarters.

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

Only 3? THREE!?!?!
I raced back home and scrounged up the needed quarter. Finally! I put my detergent in and closed the lid. Now all I need to do is  retrieve my shirts. I will hang dry them and all will be right with the world

------------------------------------------------------

Quick follow up: The dryer that I transferred the hated clothes to was running. Maybe lot's-of-underwear-owning-bitch will realize that there are other people in the world. People who need to wash outerwear.

Why Not?

I'm having a really hard time understanding the reasons behind the anti-gay marriage agenda. Honestly, I don't get what the message is, or the point of the message, or the goal they're hoping to attain. It's making me feel kind of dumb, or maybe dumbfounded, because I'm really at a loss here. I always try to get a good understanding of the other sides beliefs & arguments because 1: I want to be sure I'm on the right side (I don't want to blindly oppose or believe in anything) & 2: I want to be able to properly refute them. Ignorance is not our friend. I can usually piece together some sort of argument from the right wing's crazy, selfish rants, but this time...

It's like that whole "Tea Party" thing. What the fuck was that all about?

There is obviously a big piece of something that I'm missing here. I get the whole religious thing, kinda. I mean it's fucking retarded, but at least I know where their fucking retarded belief is coming from. But, I have really hard time believing that all the people that oppose gay marriage and voted in favor of Prop 8 are hard core fundamentalist Christians. Are there any arguments against gay marriage that don't have a religious agenda? I mean what the fuck does "Protect Marriage" really mean? If that's the case shouldn't we ban divorce? I know all these arguments have already been made & all the hypocrisies have been pointed out so I don't feel like I need to go there. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around this. Why do they care what people do with their personal lives? How does it affect them? What is the driving force behind all this impassioned hate? I think most of these people just think gay sex is icky. It makes them uncomfortable therefore it should disappear.

I don't' see how this is even an issue that can be voted on, it's basic civil rights. It seems highly unconstitutional to be able to amend the constitution to discriminate against & restrict the rights of a specific group of people. I think that's why I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't like to think that people are this horrible. I'm disgusted & appalled and very confused at how people can hate each other & want to hurt one another over something as trivial as sexual orientation. Maybe my brain is missing a piece because....

I'm sorry I know I'm kind of rambling & just repeating myself but I just don't get it. Everyone has made the comparisons to racial discrimination which is a good example because it's exactly the same, everyone would be horrified if the government stopped an interracial couple from marrying (hopefully). I think in about 50 years, when homosexuality is considered perfectly normal and fully accepted & embraced by society (hopefully), we'll all look back on this as an embarrassing and prejudice time period in American history. I'm having difficulty articulating myself, because it's shocking to me that people would oppose other's happiness and freedom. I'm on the verge of tears right now. This is a hard one to swallow.

It's not like I'm some big romantic who thinks everyone should fall in love and get married and have a white picket fence and live happily ever after or some shit like that. I personally don't really believe in marriage in general. I don't want to get married. I see marriage as archaic and unnecessary at best, & at worst I see it as sexist, religious propaganda where women are no more then sex/domestic slaves in a legal binding contract.(I'll marry your daughter & take her off your hands if you throw in that mule. But if she doesn't produce me a son I'll kill the bitch.) It's not romantic to me. To me it seems to be all about appeasing your god, your parents, & your government. I'm not saying I'll never get married, maybe my mind will change, maybe 10 years from now I'll desperately want it. But for now that's just how I feel. I'm way too young, I haven't even established myself & my own life yet. It's my choice to not get married just like if I change my mind it'll be my choice to file a joint tax return. & if I meet a pretty girl who steals my heart away from Tim it should be my choice to marry her.

In summary - You and your prejudices can go fuck each other in the ass

I Want My Apocalyse God Damnit

I have this fascinated obsession with the end of the world. I just think it'll be so much fun. I like to toy with apocalyptic scenarios, some plausible some not. Of course zombie outbreak being at the forefront. (wait..Is that a grammatically correct sentence? It really doesn't seem like one. Oh well)
I like the idea of world wide social destruction. Civilization wiped out. No more cities, no communication network, very limited technology. Don't get me wrong, I love technology but wiping it out is part of the apocalyptic package. I mean it wouldn't feel like the end of the world if you could still tweet about it. For my scenarios to work, about 90% of mankind needs to die in a very short amount of time. It could be anything really...nuclear war, alien invasion, virus pandemic, natural disaster, mass suicide. I think I would prefer something dramatic like a deadly meteor shower, or the second coming of Christ. Whichever way it happens I just hope it happens in my lifetime. Not right now, maybe in like 20 years. I'll have lived a considerable full life by then, but I'll still be young enough to appreciate it and enjoy the end times. So Jesus if you're reading this (& I know you are) pencil in your second coming for my 40th birthday. It would make a nice present.