It's The Little Things That Make Me Hate Everything

I don't really want to use this blog to bitch about acquaintances of mine that annoy me but I'm going to anyway.

 I don't like anyone I work with. That doesn't mean that I hate them, it simply means that I don't want to have to interact with them. I don't want to talk to them, or be friends with them, or get to know them, or have to give a shit about anything going on in their personal lives. I think I get along with everybody well enough, I mean nobody wishes death upon me, as far I know anyway. I try my best to be friendly and shit, and I certainly don't wish them any harm, but deep down I just don't care.

I'd call myself mostly indifferent with the exception of one particular woman. Said woman is carving a gaping hole in my my sanity and soul with every unbearable word that falls out of her god forsaken mouth. Now you might think that sounds a little harsh and I guarantee you it is. I meant it to be. That's what I was going for when I wrote it. You must understand that there is no big obvious feature of her's that stands out that I can directly and aggressively hate. No, instead this woman is the embodiment of everything that irritates me. She is the most annoying, exhausting human being I have ever met. Now, I'm not going to go too far into the reasons because it's all little things and there are about 4 billion of them. Simply thinking about her wears me out. But I will tell you this. She doesn't know how to shut the fuck up. She is constantly talking. I don't know how she manages to breath with the way that those useless words tumble out of her horrible mouth. The best part of this being that about 70% of this nonstop chatter is made up of complaints. Complaints about everything. Everything is the hardest thing in the world for her to endure.  She makes me want to throw up all over the place. Not because she makes me sick but because I want to force her to clean it up. Which would make her sick and really I just want to cause her pain because she's never really experienced it. Oh, she'd tell you ALL about how she has, but no, no she hasn't. Although cleaning up puke is more icky than painful to your average person she's such a whiny little drama queen that it would be excruciating for her. It would be like someone digging out her insides with a rusty spoon.

What am I getting at? Oh yeah.

This post is actually not about all that. I just needed to get that out of my system. (Thank you for letting me share.) What I would like to tell you about is actually one of the smallest, most insignificant things that this woman does that, at most, simply causes me a few seconds of slight confusion.

I work in custom framing which, at times, has the potential to be a pretty okay job. Unfortunately this woman, whose mere existence completely and utterly offends mine, also works in custom framing. Worse yet, at the same place, and sometimes, with total disregard for my mental health, at the same time. The thing she does that I originally intended to write a few simple sentences about (I was even contemplating just updating it on twitter) is.... Whenever she writes a customer's name and/or order number she writes the letters S and M in front.

S/M Johnson, Bill 22786

Be it on the orders that are waiting to be completed, the frames she checks in, the hundreds of notes she leaves that are as pointless and rambling as herself...everything. This doesn't really bother me. It sometimes makes me think for a few second that the customer's name starts with an "S" but that's it. It doesn't make my job any harder and it doesn't cause any problems so the only reason I care is "Why?" I asked her about it once and she said it stands for "BLAH BLAH who fucking cares!?" I'm paraphrasing here because I don't remember what she said because she is painful to listen to. What I managed to retain was that it is apparently something they did at one of her old jobs when they checked in whatever the hell it was that they were checking in.

"Well it's not something that we do here. We have our own system. So, you don't need to do it because it doesn't mean anything to anybody else."

She still does it. Every time she write a customer's name. S/M without fail. I find this rather bizarre. Why does she so adamantly continue to do something so pointless? It's not really because it's a habit that she can't break as she claims. She does it with obvious intent. The best I can figure is that she does it because she thinks it makes her interesting. It's something quirky to set herself apart. This thought makes me sad.

An Epic Laundry Tale

My apartment complex is huge. It takes up an entire street. Fortunately for me it has 3 laundry rooms spaced appropriately. Each apartment has washer/dryer hook ups but I posses neither, so these laundry rooms are very important in helping me not have dirty, smelly clothes. But they recently replaced all the super convenient, perfectly functional coin operated machines with ones that you need a preloaded card to use. Then just to upset me they put the magical-laundry-card-money-loading-machine in the laundry room at the other end of the complex/street. I have to use a debt or credit card to put money onto my new shiny laundry card and I can only do it in $10 increments. So fuck that! The apartment gods however, graciously left two washer and two dryers of the coin operated sort for us rebels who refuse to conform to their new evil ways. I found out there are quite a few people who have joined me in the laundry resistance. So those two washer/dryers are always in use. Last week one of the washers broke and has yet to be fixed, I found out today, leaving only one. Whenever I do my laundry I try to be gracious and take out my clothes as soon as they're done so that one of my comrades my then take part.

"Where is this going?" You ask.
"Why are you writing about laundry?" You ask.
Well you're the one reading it, so who's stupid now? If you had exercised a little patience we would be there already.

Ahem. Today I went to go wash my white work shirts only to find both machines ocupado. So I returned to my apartment in defeat but determind to return. I let a couple hours pass before my return. Upon said return what should I encounter? The same motherfucking clothes in the machines! That cunt faced cunt! So I humbly retreated once again, let a couple more hours pass before my next attempt. This time I had made preperations. So with a look of determination in my eye, armed with a bag of dirty clothes, dergant, some quarters and a note I made my way to the lauindry room. To my pleasnat surprise I found one of the machines to be vacant. I put in my 4 quarters and selected the "whites" cycle.

FUCK! this is the broken machine. I swear I saw clothes in here earlier. Twice! It was whites along with one yellow shirt and they were wet. Why did the laundry gods favor them and not me?
I proceeded to hit the coin return button repeatedly with no results. This is where my before mentioned note comes into play. It simply explained that I needed to use the machine because I didn't have any money on my card and that her neglected clothes were in the dryer. I'm paraphrasing, I probably didn't call her clothes "neglected" even though they really and truly are. I opened the sole remaining brother of the poor fallen coin operated washing machine, same clothes still inside, most of which was women's underwear and proceeded to fearlessly transfer the wretched clothes to the nearest dryer. Triumphant, I put my white shirts in and reached for my quarters.

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

Only 3? THREE!?!?!
I raced back home and scrounged up the needed quarter. Finally! I put my detergent in and closed the lid. Now all I need to do is  retrieve my shirts. I will hang dry them and all will be right with the world

------------------------------------------------------

Quick follow up: The dryer that I transferred the hated clothes to was running. Maybe lot's-of-underwear-owning-bitch will realize that there are other people in the world. People who need to wash outerwear.

Why Not?

I'm having a really hard time understanding the reasons behind the anti-gay marriage agenda. Honestly, I don't get what the message is, or the point of the message, or the goal they're hoping to attain. It's making me feel kind of dumb, or maybe dumbfounded, because I'm really at a loss here. I always try to get a good understanding of the other sides beliefs & arguments because 1: I want to be sure I'm on the right side (I don't want to blindly oppose or believe in anything) & 2: I want to be able to properly refute them. Ignorance is not our friend. I can usually piece together some sort of argument from the right wing's crazy, selfish rants, but this time...

It's like that whole "Tea Party" thing. What the fuck was that all about?

There is obviously a big piece of something that I'm missing here. I get the whole religious thing, kinda. I mean it's fucking retarded, but at least I know where their fucking retarded belief is coming from. But, I have really hard time believing that all the people that oppose gay marriage and voted in favor of Prop 8 are hard core fundamentalist Christians. Are there any arguments against gay marriage that don't have a religious agenda? I mean what the fuck does "Protect Marriage" really mean? If that's the case shouldn't we ban divorce? I know all these arguments have already been made & all the hypocrisies have been pointed out so I don't feel like I need to go there. I'm just trying to wrap my brain around this. Why do they care what people do with their personal lives? How does it affect them? What is the driving force behind all this impassioned hate? I think most of these people just think gay sex is icky. It makes them uncomfortable therefore it should disappear.

I don't' see how this is even an issue that can be voted on, it's basic civil rights. It seems highly unconstitutional to be able to amend the constitution to discriminate against & restrict the rights of a specific group of people. I think that's why I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't like to think that people are this horrible. I'm disgusted & appalled and very confused at how people can hate each other & want to hurt one another over something as trivial as sexual orientation. Maybe my brain is missing a piece because....

I'm sorry I know I'm kind of rambling & just repeating myself but I just don't get it. Everyone has made the comparisons to racial discrimination which is a good example because it's exactly the same, everyone would be horrified if the government stopped an interracial couple from marrying (hopefully). I think in about 50 years, when homosexuality is considered perfectly normal and fully accepted & embraced by society (hopefully), we'll all look back on this as an embarrassing and prejudice time period in American history. I'm having difficulty articulating myself, because it's shocking to me that people would oppose other's happiness and freedom. I'm on the verge of tears right now. This is a hard one to swallow.

It's not like I'm some big romantic who thinks everyone should fall in love and get married and have a white picket fence and live happily ever after or some shit like that. I personally don't really believe in marriage in general. I don't want to get married. I see marriage as archaic and unnecessary at best, & at worst I see it as sexist, religious propaganda where women are no more then sex/domestic slaves in a legal binding contract.(I'll marry your daughter & take her off your hands if you throw in that mule. But if she doesn't produce me a son I'll kill the bitch.) It's not romantic to me. To me it seems to be all about appeasing your god, your parents, & your government. I'm not saying I'll never get married, maybe my mind will change, maybe 10 years from now I'll desperately want it. But for now that's just how I feel. I'm way too young, I haven't even established myself & my own life yet. It's my choice to not get married just like if I change my mind it'll be my choice to file a joint tax return. & if I meet a pretty girl who steals my heart away from Tim it should be my choice to marry her.

In summary - You and your prejudices can go fuck each other in the ass

I Want My Apocalyse God Damnit

I have this fascinated obsession with the end of the world. I just think it'll be so much fun. I like to toy with apocalyptic scenarios, some plausible some not. Of course zombie outbreak being at the forefront. (wait..Is that a grammatically correct sentence? It really doesn't seem like one. Oh well)
I like the idea of world wide social destruction. Civilization wiped out. No more cities, no communication network, very limited technology. Don't get me wrong, I love technology but wiping it out is part of the apocalyptic package. I mean it wouldn't feel like the end of the world if you could still tweet about it. For my scenarios to work, about 90% of mankind needs to die in a very short amount of time. It could be anything really...nuclear war, alien invasion, virus pandemic, natural disaster, mass suicide. I think I would prefer something dramatic like a deadly meteor shower, or the second coming of Christ. Whichever way it happens I just hope it happens in my lifetime. Not right now, maybe in like 20 years. I'll have lived a considerable full life by then, but I'll still be young enough to appreciate it and enjoy the end times. So Jesus if you're reading this (& I know you are) pencil in your second coming for my 40th birthday. It would make a nice present.

Who Decided That People Have To Like Each Other?

It's not like I haven't tried. I just haven't found anybody I can relate to. I want to be able to hold a real conversation. I want someone I can talk with, not to. I just can't seem to find common ground with anybody. I don't think I'm that different. I'm not that much of an obscure misanthrope. I like normal mainstream stuff...I'm watching the new season of American Idol for Christ's sake. Everybody thinks I'm too quiet. I've been told I'm quiet by every single fucking person I've ever fucking encountered in my entire fucking life. Doesn't exactly make me want to talk (scream maybe). I think I put too much thought into it, and definitely expect too much in return. I try not to talk about things that I know the person I'm with doesn't know/care about and there is nothing I despise more that empty small talk. So I usually end up saying nothing. I wish more people would extend the courtesy. But I realize that most people don't care if you're actually listening or understanding. They just want to hear themselves talk. It's more dreadful when they realize that you're faining interest and they assume it's simply because you're a moron whose never heard of Easter before and think that they need to explain it to you, as if then the shit that's coming out their mouth will turn into delicious chocolate eggs of information. (This happened!...not the egg part) People hate that I'm quiet, not just in amount of words but also in lack of volume, because, and I'm almost certain of this, in modern society the louder you are, the more valid your points. They get angry and resentful because I don't scream "good morning" in their face and ask how their cat is. Of course I am mostly referring to coworkers and it's not fair to hold them to the standards of human kind. They are an entirely different string of DNA. But I'm not solely talking about coworkers cause it's been this way with everybody I've ever been forced to spend my precious, what could be alone time with, ever since I was a little antisocial child. I love when they think it's because I'm shy and when I do talk it must mean that I really like them and they've gained my trust. I'm opening up to them. They're bringing me out of my shell.
They hate me all the more when they see me reading or writing. It becomes their civic duty to interrupt me and save me from the mind numbing activity I'm engaged in to ask me what it's about or for. And when they find out it's not for school or work or anything mandatory, that it's purely for pleasure, I think they honestly get offended. I'm deriving enjoyment and experiencing emotions in a form that they will never understand without anybody else's help. I think, that they think, that I think, that I'm better than them. Which I do, because I am. Even worse than the hate is the competition. Either the "I hate reading. I've never read a whole book, not even for school," as if they're too good to read. They're above reading, and it's said with such pride. The condescending idiot never ceases to amaze and infuriate. Or the always dreadful, groan inducing "Oh I love reading," as if they can be credited with it's discovery. "Right now I'm reading Fight Club. It's sooooo good. it's like social commentary dude" the words saturated with pretension. They might as well start masturbating and yelling words with more than 4 syllables. I'd be far more impressed.

Here have shitty poem I wrote... non existent people who aren't reading this:

Keep repeating old cliches,
to hear the sound of yourself.
Never adding a new idea.
Just making noise to fill the void.
Talking in scribbles.
Finding comfort in your own voice.
Trying to remind yourself you're still alive.
You'll waste your life lost in small talk.
Hold on to your connections.
Wrap yourself in bubble wrap.
and warm yourself by the TV.

McCain just wants to die sad and alone

After McCain picked Palin as his running mate I said, as a joke, that he did it because he was trying to lose. Now I'm damn near convinced that he really is trying to lose. I'm speculating that a few months ago he finally realized how hard running the "free" world was actually going to be. He finally figured out that this is not a game, that an election is not a popularity contest, and it's not about personal pride. I bet he gave up about three months ago. That's why he was fine with Palin cause he knew how stupid the choice was. He knew how bad it would look. And now with the economy situation coming to full light he's shitting himself. He's not up to the challenge of fixing it. He doesn't want the presidency anymore but he doesn't know how to back out. His move of suspending his campaign to fix the economy is total proof that he doesn't want to win. I mean isn't that essentially just quiting? He doesn't want to debate, he pulled his ads, he's done. But I bet he's still going to win. I have no faith in humanity.

Nine Inch Nails! The Greatest Light Show On Earth!

Holy Fucking Shit! I saw Nine Inch Fucking Nails Live!!! Jealous? Good! You should be, because it was absolutely amazing.

The following is my fanatical, creepy obsessive, needlessly long account of seeing Nine Inch Nails live on September 6, 2008 at The Forum in Inglewood, CA on the first leg of the Lights In The Sky Tour.

Okay so I know the name of my blog is InsightedHate but that doesn't mean I can't talk about things that I love. Why? because it's my blog & I fucking said so!! That's why! & as far as things that I love go, Nine Inch Nails is way the fuck up there. Right below Nirvana right above chocolate. (mmmm chocolate...I asked my boyfriend to buy me some on his way home from work. I hope he gets here soon.) Since Nirvana is long gone NIN was the band I had to see before I died. Well actually that was Silverchair but I saw them February 2007 and NIN has since replaced them as my #2 band so this concert was of utmost importance. It's probably a sign that I need to get my priorities in order but me attending this concert was absolutely vital, for my sanity, and completely consumed my thoughts. It was the most important thing in the world to me for about 3 months. Now that it's over and done with and all the stress and heartache and worry that I might not be able to go is behind me, and my financial situation is staring me right in the face, I can honestly say it was worth it. It was worth my entire life of pain and poverty and then some. By which I mean, if I was offered an alternative life in some sort of retarded, nonsensical, fantasy situation where I could start my life over and be born into a rich family and have comfort and privilege and opportunity but not be a NIN fan and never see them live I wouldn't take it. Because now I'm left with a lifetime of happy memories and bragging rights. That was the single greatest night of my life. I know you're saying "Wow you must lead a pretty boring life." (Dude, I can hear you. I'm right here.) Well you're half right. My day to day life is pretty mundane but I've experienced some pretty badass shit here and there. And some pretty awful shit too but all that is for another time & another blog entry. Right now It's NIN time!

I bought presale ticket from NIN.com for me and my boyfriend Tim back in June. The presale tickets were a small number of tickets that went on sale before the tickets actually went on sale, available only if you registered at nin.com. They were provided by Trent for his stalkery-est of fans so that we could get in the venue early and fight for a position up front. I had no idea how me and Tim were going to get there but I was too stupidly excited to care. I just figured we'd figure something out. I hate everyone and my friends are lame so I was pretty certain we weren't going to get a ride from someone I knew. I was right. I planned on taking a cab which would have cost me about $150 both ways. Yeah I know, but hey this is NIN we're talking about. So I had "saved" up the money (my bank account is in the negative by about $800 right now). I had also posted on EchoingTheSound.org and on the new nin.com forums hoping someone would be kind enough to give us a ride in exchange for gas money. And lo and behold someone was (just when I think I really do hate everyone) Thank you Heather you'll never know how grateful I really am and how much you saved my ass, not just in terms of money.

*Skip this whole next section. Seriously. It's even more boring to read then it was to experience. I wasn't even going to include it but I thought I would for the sake of nostalgia on my part. You will get nothing from it. Really, it's okay, I'll tell you when to start reading again. (I like how I'm acting like anyone actually reads my blog.)

Here's the summary:
- I waited in a shitload of retarded lines all fucking day.
- Deerhunter sucked.*

We got there around 10:30 AM. We walked around looking for the place we were suppose to be lining up expecting to see a line until we realized we had walked the whole perimeter of The Forum and had found nothing. Then we spotted a group of about 30 people across the parking lot and went over to join them. I guess we had to wait until noon to actually line up near the building. Why? I don't know. Around noon they moved us next to The Forum and had us wait there. Then they moved us up onto one the ramps and split us into two lines. Why? I don't know. Me and my fellow NINers then baked in the sun for 3 hours. Seriously I was sweating so much. It was pretty gross. On the plus side there was a girl who handed out AIR flags for us to wave around during Survivalism and another girl who was smart enough to bring sunblock and kind enough to share. It was pretty cool meeting other NIN fans. I recognized some of them from the NINternet. Some of these people had gone to several dates on this tour. Like, the AIR flag girl was from New York, and the sun block girl was from Kansas. She had actually met TR the night before and had gotten his signature 'Tren Rezn' autograph on her back and then ran to a tattoo shop and made that shit permanent. Anyway back to the fun line, then they herded us in our two lines to another spot. Why? I don't' know. This one had rails and caution tape separating the two lines.(Ooo fancy) Another hour or so went by. Now comes the real fun. They asked who had will call tickets, which was respectively everyone there. (approx. 150 people by this point.) They told us to line up in a third line. SOOO people went running for that line including people from the back who were now up front. This was the first of the bitch fits thrown by all of us who had been waiting all day. We all started yelling at once. Everyone tried repeatedly telling them that we all had will call tickets. You see if you bought presale tickets through nin.com (like I had) it meant that you had to pick up your ticket when you got there. Then you would be let in an hour before all the other losers who got regular tickets through Ticketmaster giving you an optimal position at the front. This concept was apparently beyond the grasp of the Forum staff. As was the concept that the people in the front of the line had gotten there before the people in the back of the line and therefore deserved to go in first. So anywho they "resolved" the issue by eventually just saying everyone with will call had to be in that third line so everyone then rushed over and had to squish into line. Which meant I now had about 30 more people in front of me then before. They moved the line again over to the will call window where some assholes were already waiting. So we threw another bitch fit and another hour went by. We were suppose to get our tickets at 3PM it was about 5 by this time. Finally they resolved this issue by putting the people that were already at the window into random spots in the very angry line. We finally got our tickets. YAY!!! (It has my name on it! I feel so special.) After we got our tickets we got into yet another line where they would check our tickets and search us before letting us in. We waited about 45 min. in this line. Including a quick run to Sizzler across the street to pee. They split us into guys and girls. Some stupid girls tried to run up front but luckily Tim is loud and angry. So they went slinking back. We got searched, patted down, and then let into yet another line. Waited there a while then moved again . Finally they started letting us in around 7:30PM. We ran down a couple flights of stairs and came to a startling halt. We, for some unbeknownst retarded reason, had to wait and line up in the hallway. Why they didn't just let us go in in the order we were already in (I said "in" way too many times...in) is beyond me. At some point they decide to break the line somewhere in the middle and bring those people from the back up front to be let in at the same time as those of us who had been waiting for several hours longer. So we all started screaming again, blood vessels started popping, and a riot was seconds away from starting where those people unfortunate enough to be in that second line would surely be murdered. It took security another half hour or so to finally conclude that they would rather not spend the night scrubbing blood off the walls and let my line in first. Me and Tim briskly walked to to rail. NO RUNNING! We were on the right side of the stage near the end. We had a kind of crooked view but hey no complaints I was on the fucking rail!

I was slightly to the right of where Robin Finck was going to be, in the front fucking row, of my very first NIN concert. I wish I could have seen more of Alessandro Cortini, being that I love him. He was crammed in the back on the opposite side of the stage behind Justin Meldal Johnsen who I couldn't see very well either. But it's all good. Again, no real complaints. Needless to say I was about to burst. I probably should have been starving because except for a Monster in the morning I hadn't eaten anything all day. My legs already hurt but that didn't matter. I was running on pure un-filtered glee. We had to sit (stand) through Deerhunter, the opening band. They weren't exactly bad but they definitely weren't good. They were boring and forgettable. I couldn't tell you how many songs they played. It could have been 20 really short songs or one really long drone of sound. The whole time they played I couldn't take my eyes off one their guitarists. It was embarrassing to watch him fumble around wondering, not if he was playing the guitar okay, but if he was even playing a guitar at all. I don't understand why he was in the band. All the other members had their respective parts and did an okay job but he was like an alien trying to emulate how 'hoo-man make mu-zik'. Luckily they only played for 30 minutes. Then it was just a short wait until the greatest moment of my life.

Side note: While waiting for NIN to set up I saw Leo and Brett walking around. I know it's lame and creepy to know who they are and even lamer and creepier to get excited about it. But I couldn't help it, seeing them in person was a nice reminder that I was really about to see NIN.

Another side note: On the ETS forums everyone was taking about how dangerous Inglewood was. They were all scared to go cause they thought they'd be killed by gangsters and get their cars stolen. They were talking about what colors to wear, or not to wear. It was pretty funny... and sad. No one has talked about gangs and wearing the wrong colors since I was a little kid back in like 1993 and shit. Has wearing gang colors ever been a real threat? I always thought that was just some bullshit made up on the playground. Unrelatedly they were also debating whether or not wearing a shirt of the band you're going to see is cool or not. Why not wear one? It's not like anyone there is going to make fun of you for liking NIN. Who the fuck really cares? (I didn't know where to put this but I had to include it somewhere. It was too stupid not to.)

*Okay you can start reading again. That is if you want to. & I don't know why you would.*

The lights dimmed and 999,999 started up. My mind was moving so fast it kind of blurred this part. I saw Josh Freese come out and start up the drums to 1,000,000. And I screamed like I was on fire. I'll never forget seeing Trent Reznor run up to the mic and the way he grabbed it and leaned back as he sang. He was so aggressive and commanding of the stage and the crowd. He has a very powerful stage presence. I experienced a weird phenomenon that I get every now and then in my day to day life but never to this extent. I felt like I wasn't really there. Like I was watching a video of the performance. I was in this weird state of disconnect during 1,000,000 and Letting You. I think it was when Robin threw his guitar almost right at me hitting the rail, that it hit me that I was actually there in that moment. That NIN was actually right the fuck in front of me playing my favorite songs. It still seems sort of like I imagined the whole thing. Since I was in this kind of daze I actually don't remember Letting You all that well. But when Discipline started up I finally woke the fuck up enough to dance and sing like mad. (Not that I wasn't during 1,000,000 and Letting You, just much more consciously) Discipline is one of the best songs to see live. It's so full of energy. Oh and Robin throwing that guitar = total fucking badassness. He was having some sort of technical difficulties. But it all still sounded outstanding.

When March Of The Pigs started up I knew there was going to be a rush and I would be squished. I wasn't worried though I'm pretty tough for a little girl. From what everyone was saying it was going to be the roughest show with the craziest mosh pit ever! I was honestly surprised how tame it was. I mean, I kept my glasses on the whole time, so it couldn't have been too bad. If that was what they considered rough then I must be a lot tougher then I thought. I mean I know I was at the front and that's never too rough. I wasn't in the pit or anything but I've defiantly been to crazier shows. Maybe it's because I am a little girl that people feel like they have to warn me for my safety. In fact I think I was the loud, rowdy, annoying person that they were warning me about. So anyway like I said it wasn't bad except for the guy behind me pushing into me way harder then he needed to be. I think he was just a perv trying to get off on a girl moving and jumping around. He eventually wedged his way in next to me on the rail and still continued to push into me from the side up until the end of the first act (even during The Frail). I'm not being paranoid,I know it was just him cause after he had successfully shoved the guys next to me down (I wasn't fucking giving up my spot!) and was comfortably on the rail and could no longer get away with groping me there was nothing else like that from anyone else. It was a little creepy but whatever.

The whole first act was so intense and it sounded freaking amazing. One of the most "Fuck Yeah" moments was when TR threw his mic stand back over his head during March Of The Pigs. That song was indisputably made for moshing. I am really glad they played Head Down because they didn't play it at every show on the first leg of the Lights In The Sky tour and I really wanted to see it. (I've been following the tour very closely. I was keeping track of the setlists to try and figure out what they would play that night at The Forum. My night!) He threw out his tambourine at the end of Head Down. I am so fucking jealous of whoever the lucky bastard is that got that, even though they probably got their ass kicked for it. Trent played The Frail which I couldn't properly enjoy the beauty of, because like I said that one guy was all over me, but I loved hearing it none the less. I was hoping to see The Wretched but no dice! That's okay though I'm not at all disappointed. A lot of people, from what of I've read on the internets, have been really disappointed by the fact that he's been playing The Frail into Closer instead of The Wretched. He played The Wretched at a few shows but at most of them it just went right into Closer. It didn't bother me at all, it was just cool to hear The Frail live. I think Trent just spoils his fans so they expect more than they deserve. I remember a post regarding this from some guy on ETS that I thought was freaking hilarious though that was something along the lines of - "The space time continuum be damned! I want everything always!". (On a stupid pointless note - people were also talking about TR's clothes. I've heard people say they don't like his red shirt that he's been wearing. Well I like it. I think he looks really good in it and I was very happy that he wore it that night.) There were plenty of surreal moments, but seeing Closer preformed live might have been the most. I mean how many times have you heard that song? Like a million right? Well seeing it live was like seeing Bugs Bunny in person, totally unbelievable. & I don't' care how mainstream or overplayed his elitist fans may say this song is. I fucking love it! I will never get tired of listening to Closer and I'm ecstatic that I got to see it live, which is something I never thought would actually happen. They added this amazing sounding breakdown that included music from The Only Time. It fit perfectly into the song. I have to get my hands on a decent recording of this live version. That's one of the great things about NIN is that there is no absolute, definite version of their songs. T.Rez is always changing them, remixing them, doing different live versions, letting his fans remix them. Oh how I love NIN. The lights were so impressive. This tour has the most incredible visuals I have ever seen. Crappy pictures, YouTube videos, and half assed descriptions don't come near doing it justice. TR knows how to put together a crowd pleasing set. He had songs from every album in there. The first act ended with Gave Up and lots of screams and terrible singing from me.

The screens came down and the real light show began. Seeing The Warning live was like nothing I had ever seen before (except all the crappy cell phone videos of it from YouTube that I'd seen.). Or so I thought until I saw Vessel. That song and those visuals kicked my ass. Seeing it live made The Warning jump up on my favorites list. Year Zero is my favorite NIN album, for the moment anyway. I love everything on it but The Warning, and Vessel too actually, were not high up on that favorite list of YZ songs. But now I can't get enough of The Warning. I listened to it like 6 times in row on my walk to work today. I still have the image of TR dancing during The Warning and singing into his voice changer thingys in my head. There's something about that moment that really stuck with me. It's just constantly there in the forefront of my thoughts pleasantly distracting me along with a few other amazing moments from that night.The whole time they were playing The Warning I had my fingers crossed (not literally) and was using my mind to send a message to T. Rez. to play The Great Destroyer but to no effect. If there was anything disappointing about the show it was that. I know Tim wanted to hear that song more then any other. But seeing Vessel was still absolutely fucking amazing. Trent kept rocking his ...well I don't know what to call it...his stand that had his synth on it back and forth and it made his mic come loose. I was afraid it was going to swing and hit him in the face. Maybe it even did cause at the end of the song he angrily threw the whole stand down off the stage. I wonder what Josh was doing while they played those two songs. Maybe they just hit his off switch with him being a robot and all.

NIN and co. disappeared behind the screen and the Ghosts section ensued with it's breathtakingly beautiful imagery. While they were playing them I didn't know which Ghosts they were cause I'm only able to recognize a few that I really love. The rest kind of meld together. I was pretty sure the third was 19 and I kinda thought either the first or the second was 5. Later when I got the setlist I found out what they were. (That's right I got a setlist Bitches!) The first one was 5 Ghosts I. The visuals were stunning but I was more into the aesthetic of the stage setup for the band. Starting with Trent on the marimba and whatever the hell else weird-ass instruments he was playing like the ...Key-Bored?. I absolutely loved JMJ on the stand up bass. That is a striking image. He looked so...proper, with his huge-ass fro. And I'm obsessed with Josh's Drum kit for the ghosts section. He had a big water jug and a frying pan on there. The image of the band against the visuals on display was like looking at a painting. They could have not played any music at all and it still would have been beautiful. No offense to Ghosts, I really love it, but I probably wouldn't remember them being played at all if it weren't for those screens. The second Ghosts was 17 Ghosts II. I would have never figured this out if I hadn't gotten the setlist. Which is funny because while I don't remember the music at all (I'm sorry TR but instrumentals, especially unnamed ones, are hard to distinguish when you have a million other things bombarding your senses) but that song was accompanied by my favorite visuals of the whole night. It was awe inspiring and I was probably staring mouth agape like an idiot. Not that anyone would have been looking at me when the most beautiful thing ever is happening on stage, but still. The third ghosts was 19 Ghosts III. It started to rain on the front screen eventually hiding the band from view. It had this odd calming effect like real rain even in the midst of thousands of sweaty people. I loved hearing the impressed inhales and exhales of the audience as the center of the screen cleared and the band became visible. And again when the light on the screen shattered like glass and appeared to fly out toward us. Lastly they preformed their incredible ghosts-a-sized rendition of Piggy. Trent was playing some sort of tambourine or something like one, holding the mic stand in the other hand, and rocking back and forth. That's another of those images that are stuck on repeat in my head.

The whole front screen went blue and wavy as The Greater Good started to play and behind it the crew rushed to clear the stage of the ghosts equipment and set up for the third act. Reznor's giant face (also blue and wavy) appeared on the screen and he could be heard quietly singing. He came around the corner of the screen being filmed by Brett. Holy Fucking Shit! Trent was right in front of me! He made a bunch of faces into the camera, stuck his tongue out at us, and slowly went back from whence he came. (What?! I can't say whence?) As a tech erased the blue off the screen with a flashlight Pinion could be heard which could only mean one thing. The screens came up and NIN proceeded to make us their bitches by giving a totally ass-kicking performance of Wish. (FIST FUCK! <- need I say more?) Terrible Lie was so fucking cool live. I know 'cool' isn't a very descriptive word but I don't know what else to say. All three screens were red but not solid red, and a silhouette of each member could be seen on each screen. I haven't the slightest clue as to how they did that. I'm guessing they had cameras that were streaming live images onto the screens. Okay, I'm doing a horrible job of describing this because it's unlike anything I've ever seen before but I assure you it was fucking cool. And Robin is my new favorite guitarist. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was stealing my attention away from TR with his god like guitar abilities and stage presence, especially during Terrible Lie. By this point I was so riled up and beyond giddy. You know, the feeling you can only get from screaming at the top of your lungs and dancing and flailing around completely oblivious to the thousands of other people around you doing the exact same thing. I always get like that at concerts. I forget that there's a whole crowd of people. It feels like it's just me and the band and I'm floating 20 feet off the ground. Anyway, moving on, Survivalism is not a word but still somehow managed to be played next. I got out my little flag that had been so graciously given to me that morning and looking down the line of the rail I could see all the other people who had gotten one waving them around. Again I know it's lame, but it made me feel special to have gotten one and to be waving it around with the other NINjas whom I'd formed a small bond with after the whole line fiasco. (You know, those were actually a good indication of who had gotten there to line up early in the morning.) They had "security cameras" on the audience, and on the band, and one in the bathroom. The bathroom one was setup, it had a couple having sex over a sink. It's funny though, after I got home and read other people's posts about the concert on the forums, how many of them thought it was real. They've played similar videos or videos of someone peeing or something like that at every show. It was fucking fun as hell hearing that song live and being able to sing along with all those other people. I think it was the only song that I felt really connected to the rest of the audience. The front screen came down along with these dangling lights and The Big Come Down was played. It was mesmerizing the way they flashed and swayed around as the band bumped into them. The lights went back up and they played 31 Ghosts IV. Both of those songs are very heavy and ominous sounding. But 31 had another one of those magical burned into my retinas moments. It was Robin owning on his fucking guitar. (I never use internet speak but that word is just so appropriate for this situation) He was fucking wailing away and the way he was moving as he did it was just....goddamn. Robin is so fucking badass! And I love his hair. And I really love the new intro to Only that he played. Only is such a minimalistic song which is actually one of the things that I like about it. But in a live setting I think the new intro added more substance to the song, made it more dramatic. I need to know how much money TR put into this stage set. The visuals for Only were unbelievable and so much fun to watch. The screen filled with fuzz like a TV on static and whenever Trent came close to the screen a little spot would clear and he'd be visible. So he would appear, step back, disappear, and then appear on the other side of the stage and he would run and the spot would follow. Then during the chorus the static fell down to the bottom making the whole band was visible and the static was bouncing around at the bottom of the screen according to the music. I didn't' get to enjoy this to it's full extent like I should have though because I was too busy being a stalker fangirl. Rob came out to take a few pictures for the NIN Flickr page and stole all my attention. So while some badass shit was happening on stage that I should of been taking pictures of, I was instead taking a picture of Rob and excitedly pointing him out to Tim who I'm sure was thinking 'Who the Fuck cares? NIN is on stage!". Yeah I know I'm a dork, leave me alone. The front screen went up as they went into The Hand That Feeds. This is one of the most perfect concert songs ever made by any band. It's just plain great to sing along to. It's uplifting and uniting and fun. Like singing along to People Have The Power by Patti Smith. (which is something I have been fortunate enough to do) During the song a lovely picture of G.W. Bush appeared on the back screen and the middle fingers came flying up. Near the end of the song it morphed into McCain. (On a side note if you're one of those "undecideds" and can't choose between McCain or Obama or if you're one of those "they're all the same" people...Kill yourself.) Obama in 2008! Ahem, so like I was saying, this was a first for the tour. Maybe an 'only' because by the time they come back to America for the fall leg of the Lights tour the election will be over. It was great. It makes me feel nice and vindicated. I love learning that people that I like think the same way as me. That's how they become people that I love. Head Like A Hole is another one of those great live songs. I totally get why they end their shows with it. I have watched an unfathomably disgusting amount of NIN live videos and I couldn't begin to tell you how many of those were HLAH. This was definitely a surreal experience. I relished in every second of it. That shit was so intense. Trent is a fucking performer! I don't think I have smiled as much in the sum of my entire life as I did in that night. I was seriously so happy at some points that I would just start laughing because simply smiling (like a psychopath) wasn't enough. I was a mess of screams, giggles, and squeals. The screen came down for the last time that night with the NIN logo looking as majestic as a crying eagle on an overweight American's Chinese made, Wal-mart bought T-shirt. (<-I have no idea what I meant with all that.) Fuck Wal-mart! (<-That was probably it.) One of the panels on the screen was crooked and a tech ran up and fixed it before Trent noticed and broke a bunch of stuff out of anger. My night wasn't over yet. They still had to play their planned "encore". The front screen went up but the middle screen was still down. It had 4 rows of white boxes across it for Echoplex. Josh Freese came out (WHOOO!) and programmed the drum samples for Echoplex by touching particular squares. Each square he touched turned red and as a light ran across the rows, it would make the beat. This is definitely one of the coolest fucking things I've ever seen. I want to go to TR's house and steal his toys. They look like so much fun. I love this song and it's "lalalas." I couldn't help but giggle every time they sang them. Especially the quiet one with just T. Rez "lalalalalalala". *hehehe* The song had the drum sample going but there was a part where Josh came in on the real drums. He was behind the second screen ,the rest of the band was in front, and when this part came he had a nice spotlight turned on him and then when it ended he disappeared into the shadows. It was just such a cool image of him coming into view and then fading back out. I LOVE IT! Okay, so the middle screen went up and Reznor took a moment to introduce each member of the band whom he said did "all the work" and he was just there because he "looked so goddamn good". *hehehe* Oh how I love him. Then he asked if they should play "something happy and light or something depressing and dark?" The audience of course responded with "Depressing and dark". I knew what was coming but I was still unable to control myself when I heard Reptile start up. At which point I died and went to heaven and that's where I'm writing this from now. I don't see how any moment could be better then that one. Maybe TR didn't get my 'Shining' style messages to play The Great Destroyer but he definitely got them for Reptile. Or you know, had planned on playing it all along seeing as how it was on the setlist and everything. No....it was definitely my superior ESP abilities. So, like I said, I died and...How shitty would it have been if I actually had died right then and missed out on seeing Reptile? I would have been so upset I would have just killed myself. I always think about that when I'm anticipating something. Like if there's a movie I really want to see, like Dark Knight for example, and it's the day before, I think about how I just have to live for one more day. I can almost guarantee you that if I was in some situation where I was killed, but not instantly, and given a few moments to think about my life before I died, I'd think about how much it sucks that I'd never get to see Heath Ledger play the Joker. Good thing I didn't die cause that movie kicked ass.<- Way off topic....Back to the best moment of my young adult life. Well I don't really know what to say. It was incredible. I've never been so overtly excited about anything. I was screaming and grabbing on to my boyfriend. I could feel my whole body shaking. I know it's cliche but I really was on verge of tears. I kept putting my hands over my mouth in shear disbelief. The lighting was perfect, the sound was insane, and I was experiencing total bliss. They had green lights, of course, (reptiles are green, Duh!) with lots of smoke. the wall of spotlights in the back were waving in a snake-like motion. Robin was stomping around the stage. I love everything about this song. It has so much weight to it. I could feel the music throughout my body and when Trent started to sing my stomach jumped and my skin felt like it was going to rip open and I'd just go everywhere.<- That made no sense but I don't know how else to describe it. I swear I'm not a freak. I'm not. I'm not a stalker. I'm not delusional. I just love music and am really passionate about it. It's important to me. When I love something I really fucking love it. And oh my motherfucking god do I ever love Reptile! ("She has the blood of REPTILE just underneath her skin" I could listen to that man scream the word "reptile" all day.) It's probably a little weird to derive so much joy from such a "depressing and dark" song but I mean have you heard it?! It's fucking mind blowing!.... *exhales* Okay, I'm okay. Amazingly, even after cementing the night as my absolute guaranteed favorite night ever, they continued to play. Up next was God Given. They had a genius image of a cross-gun displayed on the screen above. I'm surprised I've never seen this outside of the NIN Year Zero world. TR messed his timing a little. he came in too late on one line and had to play catch up by quickly mumbling through the words. I'm sure that upset him but it made me smile. I love moments like those where you're reminded that larger than life figures like Trent Reznor are real people. It doesn't make me think badly of him at all, it actually makes me think about just how much hard work and effort he put into all of this and everything else he does. And how impressive it is that it was the only thing he messed up given the complexity of the show. Hurt was beautiful live. Instead of the usual solo piano performance he's been doing for the past few years he had the band play the music and he just sang. He gives so much of himself in each and every performance because he's aware of how much his music means to his fans. And how important being able to see a live performance really is to a lot of people. He looked so vulnerable up there. He was kind of hugging himself and he looked so alone. The lights were very minimal with basically just a spotlight on him. Looking over the audience was like seeing a city from very far away. All the lighters and cell phone lights added to the atmosphere. I do have to wonder though, with TR being the showman that he is, how much of it was genuine emotion and how much of it was put on? Either way it was pretty moving and if I was in anyway spiritual I'd probably make some sort of comment about it here, but I'm not, so I won't. With a gorgeous cityscape view as a backdrop the show closed with In This Twilight. I absolutely love this song. It was one of my immediate favorites when Year Zero first came out. It kind of reminds me of a Silverchair song. I'm sure I'm the only person on Earth to ever make that comparison, but I could totally hear Daniel singing it. That's probably just because was listening to a lot of Silverchair when YZ came out. The setting and the music and TR on the piano, it was all so beautiful. Then one by one the members of the band calmly put down their instruments, waved good bye, and walked of stage starting with Robin. Then went Josh, and JMJ, and Alessandro, leaving Trent alone on stage playing the piano. He played a lovely little outro from Zero-sum and then walked off stage. The lights went on and I'm sure everyone was screaming, especially me, but I don't really remember it like that. I remember it being quiet and calm and peaceful. A perfect ending to my perfect night.

Hanging on the rail, we waited around for the thousands of people behind us to leave. The Forum was clearing out and the crew had already rushed into action disassembling the set. I really wanted to get a setlist but I didn't know how to go about getting one or who to ask. We kind of stood around, Tim was talking to few people. I was eyeballing the crew and the security. Then I spotted someone with a few papers in his hand. I saw him hand one to somebody. I walked over and asked if I could have one. I was handed one and the guy walked away. Score! We then went to look for Heather, our gracious giver of rides. My legs and back and neck and...body were so sore. I was walking kinda funny cause my knees weren't bending right. we came upon Heather sitting on the floor unable to walk cause she had bad knees from a snowboarding accident. If my legs hurt and, not to brag but, I'm in pretty good shape especailly my legs. (<-One of the benefits of not having a car and having to walk everywhere.) I couldn't imagine how bad her legs must have hurt. Anyway we slowly exited the forum amongst a herd of tired, sweaty nintards, one of whom broke the glass to a fire extinguisher case on the wall right next to me. We waited for Heather to buy some merch. We didn't get any cause that shit was way expensive. Of course I wanted something but I also want food and shelter so I figured I'd save my money. And Tim probably wouldn't have been too happy if I had spent $35 on a fucking T-shirt. We went home exhausted, smelly and extremely satisfied. Tim slept the whole ride home. What's weird is I still have a kind of anxious feeling in my body and mind. the same feeling you get before you do something exciting. It's like my brain is too stupid to realize it's over and is still anticipating something. I tried to take pictures. Most of them came out blurry and dark cause my camera is crap and I was way to excited. Fortunately Tim had a nice camera and took some awesome pictures. But, me being lame and all, I like that special feeling of "I took that picture of Trent!" even if it is indistinguishable. What kind of sucks though, is that I have no one to really tell and share my excitement with. (Hence this giant fucking blog entry.) Of course that doesn't stop me from telling everyone, but I just wish one of them cared or even knew who NIN were. I swear, walking into my work is like walking into a pop culture void. None of my coworkers are aware of anything that is going on in the world regardless of their age or lifestyle. And as I said earlier (if you've for some ungodly reason managed to read this whole thing) my friends are lame. So my accounts of the best night of my life fall on deaf ears. But you know what?...Fuck everyone! Because I saw Nine Inch Nails live and now nothing or nobody can ever take that away from me.


*My Flickr page
*Tim's Flickr page
*Tim's YouTube Video